Overcoming Perfectionism: Why We Become Perfectionists and How to Break Free
- Timi Szabó
- Feb 17
- 5 min read
A few weeks ago, I wrote a LinkedIn post for an event I was organizing. I triple-checked it to make sure everything was right. It went out. I felt good. Until I got a message from a coworker: I forgot to tag the sponsor.
Cue instant shame spiral:
"I checked multiple times—how did I miss this?"
"I should’ve caught it before someone else did."
"I can’t even get a LinkedIn post right. What’s wrong with me?"
For a moment, I wanted to explain myself—to justify why I messed up as if that would somehow make me feel better. But then I caught myself. I took a breath and reminded myself: it was a small, honest mistake.
I’ll make hundreds more in my lifetime, just like I have before. So instead of spiraling, I learned from it: next time, instead of re-reading everything 5 times, I’ll just check the tags.
That’s it. No panic. No shame. Just learning and moving forward.
So why do we become perfectionists in the first place?
Many of us don’t realize that overcoming perfectionism starts with understanding where it comes from. Perfectionism isn’t just a personality trait—it’s often a learned survival strategy shaped by early experiences, fear of failure, or pressure to meet unrealistic standards.
Research shows that perfectionism is increasing, especially among younger generations. The pressure to succeed, to be constantly productive, and to present a flawless image online has fueled an epidemic of never feeling good enough.
But the good news? Once we recognize why we developed it, we can start rewriting the narrative and embrace progress over perfection.
🏋🏻♀️ When Perfectionism Starts Young
Did you grow up in a home where love and praise felt conditional?
Maybe you were the “smart one” or the “responsible one”, so failure wasn’t an option.
Maybe you learned that your worth depended on your achievements.
Maybe you got used to hearing “You can do better” instead of “I’m proud of you.”
💡 And so, perfectionism became your safety net. If you did everything right, you were accepted. If you didn’t? You felt like you weren’t enough.
🙇🏻♀️ When Mistakes Feel Like Personal Failures
If you were punished, shamed, or compared to others as a child, failure stopped being just a mistake—it became proof that you weren’t good enough.
Maybe you dreaded tests, because one bad grade felt like a disappointment, not just feedback.
Maybe you avoided risks because messing up felt too painful.
Maybe you learned to overthink every decision to make sure you never got it wrong.
💡 And so, you started setting impossible standards—not because you love success, but because you’re terrified of failure.
👱🏼♀️ The People-Pleasing Perfectionist
If you were raised to keep others happy, perfectionism might be your way of earning love and approval.
If you had critical parents, teachers, or bosses, you learned to overwork so no one had a reason to criticize you.
If you were the "peacekeeper" in the family, you learned that making mistakes = letting people down.
If you’ve ever said “It’s fine, I’ll just do it myself” to avoid conflict, this might be why.
💡 And so, you started believing that if you do everything perfectly, no one will reject you.
Why Overcoming Perfectionism Feels So Hard
Perfectionism makes big promises:
✔️ "If you're perfect, no one will judge you."
🚨 But people judge anyway—no matter what you do.
✔️ "If you never fail, you'll be safe."
🚨 But failure is part of life—and it's how you grow.
✔️ "If you're perfect, you'll finally feel enough."
🚨 But 'enough' only happens when you stop chasing perfection and accept yourself as you are.
So how do you fight back? Let’s talk about it.
How to Let Go of Perfectionism & Move Forward
Challenge Your ‘Perfection = Worth’ Belief
Instead of asking, “How can I make this perfect?” ask:
✔️ “What’s good enough?”
✔️ “What actually matters here?”
✔️ “If no one was judging, how would I do this differently?”
✔️ “What would I say 'good enough' is if a friend of mine would have to do this?"
👉 Your worth is not tied to achievement. Period.
Practice ‘Imperfect Action’
Instead of rewriting the email 5 times, send the first solid draft.
Instead of waiting for the perfect moment to start, start messy and refine later.
Instead of avoiding something until you feel ready, do it before you’re ready.
🔥 Done is better than perfect.🔥 Action builds confidence, not endless preparation.
Choose Curiosity Over Fear
Perfectionism makes everything feel high-stakes. But what if, instead of fear, you approached things like a child—with curiosity and playfulness?
Kids don’t overthink—they just try.
They don’t fear failure—they explore.
They don’t ask “What if I mess up?”—they say “Let’s see what happens!”
💡 Next time you catch yourself stuck in perfectionism, ask:
"What would my younger self do?" Instead of “I have to get this right,” try:
“I wonder what happens if I just start.” Curiosity brings freedom. Perfectionism kills joy.
Get Comfortable with Discomfort
“What's good for you isn’t always comfortable. Comfortable isn’t always good for you”
Rest will feel lazy if you’re used to overworking.
Saying “no” will feel selfish if you’re used to pleasing others.
Letting go of control will feel wrong if you’re used to perfectionism.
But discomfort isn’t danger—it’s growth.
Celebrate Progress, Not Just Results
If you only celebrate perfect outcomes, you’ll never feel like you’re progressing.
Instead, start acknowledging:
✔️ Small steps (I started, even if it wasn’t perfect)
✔️ Effort (I showed up, even when I doubted myself)
✔️ Lessons learned (I made a mistake, but I grew from it)
👉 Self-worth isn’t something you have to earn. Learn to give yourself a high-five for even the smallest steps—because they aren’t small. They’re the building blocks of the whole journey.
Final Thought: You Are Already Enough
We are all going to make mistakes. We are all going to have glitches. But our worth doesn’t disappear when we slip up.
🔑 The key is to catch the self-criticism, stop the spiral, breathe, and remind yourself: You are okay. Everything will be fine. Because you don’t need to be perfect to be valuable. You just need to be real.
About Me
Hey, I’m Timi—a psychologist and coach, currently training in CBT. I help people break free from self-doubt, stress, and overthinking with practical, psychology-based tools. I know how perfectionism holds you back—I’ve been there. But real growth happens through small, imperfect steps.
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